Do-ers and Be-ers
Standing together
by Brian Radcliffe
Suitable for Whole School (Sec)
Aims
To encourage students to consider the nature of their relationships with one another.
Preparation and materials
• None required
Assembly
- Ask the question: Are you a do-er or a be-er?
Explain that there are many ways to analyse the relationships we have with one another. One way is the do-ers and be-ers matrix. - On the one hand there are those times when we DO FOR another person. We take on a task that assists them. If a grandparent asks us to pop down to the supermarket and get some shopping for them, then we are DOING FOR them. If we cook tea for the family, then we are DOING FOR them.
- Secondly, there are times when we DO WITH someone. We act as a team, together achieving what we want to achieve. We DO WITH teammates in a sports match. We DO WITH a friend who’s struggling with a piece of homework. DOING WITH is about occasions when we are together in a task.
- Thirdly, there are times when we BE FOR another person. It’s about those occasions when we give our support, maybe even arguing on the behalf of someone. We are BEING FOR someone when we intervene with friends who are bad mouthing someone else. We are BEING FOR when we support a friend who has been accused of involvement in an incident and we know it’s untrue. For instance, this can often apply with online abuse.
- Finally, there are times when we BE WITH someone. There may be times when we simply sit with a friend and share their frustration, sadness or loneliness. We may not be required to say or do anything. It is simply our presence that is needed.
Ask the students if they can remember any times like this in their lives; either for themselves or for other people.
Time for reflection
Ask the question: Which do you consider is the most important, DOING or BEING, FOR or WITH?
You may wish to ask the students to discuss in small groups.
There’s a strong argument for each one. DOING FOR achieves a practical solution. There’s a definite benefit that can be seen and appreciated. DOING WITH helps take other people along with us. The sum of the team can be more than the total of the elements. There may be an element of learning that will help the other person or people in the future. BEING FOR is often about justice. It’s about making sure the truth is known and acknowledged. But possibly BEING WITH outweighs the others – it is extremely valuable.
BEING WITH someone when they are lonely, disappointed, criticised or rejected is the simplest but most profound way of acting. To be there with them is a sign of acceptance, acceptance even when others have rejected, when big mistakes have been made, when it would have been easier and more convenient to stay away. To be there shows we’ve made the effort to stay. BEING WITH someone makes no demands. It doesn’t necessarily even involve words. No advice is offered, however well-meaning advice might seem. It’s about listening rather than speaking, but no explanations are required. Being there is enough, for now.
BEING WITH is fundamental to all relationships. It comes before DOING anything. Falling in love is about this: simply wanting to be with the one we love. But this works in all relationships. It affirms the other person and bravely makes us vulnerable yet available to them. It might cost a little but can have a profound effect. That’s why Jesus promised his followers that he would be with them. It was his everlasting presence that mattered, and still matters to Christians today.
Music
‘Stand by me’ by Ben E King. This can be found at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwZNL7QVJjE
Extension Activity
- Ask students to construct a square matrix with 4 compartments: do for, do with, be for and be with.
Invite them to, over the next 24 hours, note occasions when they are doing or being, for or with, other people. They could extend this over a longer period.
At the end of the time ask the students to consider the following questions:
Which part of the matrix is fullest?
What does that say about you as a person?
Are you satisfied with this analysis?
What might you do to change the emphases?
